As I Wait...

Tonight, as I was re-reading some pages of a book that I borrowed from a friend, I realized that I have MUCH to learn. I've always been so consumed about the future, or about recent events that I do not get a glimpse of the bigger picture. What I mean is that sometimes I worry about the future, yet in my daily life, I do not reflect changes needed to reverse that worry into action. It's really odd that it's human nature to think ONE thing, but act in ways contradictory to their way of thinking. Like, you know that acting a certain way would get you into trouble, but then your actions exhibit JUST that way you acted. It's really weird. And I got to thinking...
why is it so hard for me to change my actions, and to make a difference in the world? I mean, in my head, I know what GOD has in store for me, yet I don't seem to want it enough to take action to get to that position. Why is it that I don't want it enough? That I don't want HIM enough, and instead, prioritize idols over GOD, when HE is the one that deserves all the praise & glory, and Him who did SO much for me? I am SO ungrateful!

Yeah, okay I just read what i wrote, and it doesn't make sense.. Haha. sorry folks :P
i'm just ranting. But yes, seriously. I guess I don't look at the bigger picture of what is worth it, in the end. In the end, these petty little things such as fanfiction, movies, facebook are NOTHING, and as soon as the world ends, it all fades away, and I would only be wasting all my time for limited things. But the things that really DO matter.... I don't see myself making my life count. And it worries me, but I don't know why I'm not DOING anything about it....

I need to wake up and see things as GOD sees them. And I should view life as GOD views life, and just trust in Him in what He says is important, and what is not, and what will make ME happy in the end. And trust in His timing...

sometimes its so easy to say, but never easy to apply. I must admit- sometimes I wish I could just get things instantly- like, I WANT to be used by God, but I'm not willing to go through the process of becoming more like Jesus. I realize that there's so much humility that I need to acquire. I also realize that instead of just WAITING around for God's timing, I should be using my time wisely. God does not like wasted time, yet it seems like a majority of the time IS wasted time (in my opinion). And I do not feel a sense of fulfillment and achievement in the end. And it bogs me down at the end of the day. Yet why do I still feel a need to repeat and continue on these mundane tasks and worldly pleasures? It's STUPID right? I think that the reason lies in the fact that we're still human, and our flesh is still visible. But what we need to do, especially if you're a Christian, is to ASK God and PRAY that He would help us realize the insignificance of the current events and tasks I engage in. I also realize that I need to boost up my prayer life.
I mean, sure I talk to him in the morning, before I eat, and before I go to sleep, but that is NOT enough. I need Him to GUIDE me, TEACH me, and THAT will ONLY come if I learn how to be intimate with HIm.

The frustrating thing is that some days, I feel SO close to Him, and it feels absolutely wonderful. Then BAM, I just suddenly do not feel up to spending time with God, failing to read my bible, or talk to him, or journal my thoughts... and just like that, it ruins the intimacy I have with God.
I guess it just shows how unpredictable we humans are, and how NEEDY we are of God. Cus in reality, just the fact that we're Christian is a result of God's grace....

and I find that whenever I ASK God to give me a desire to spend time with Him, at the oddest of times, He actually answers that call, and He finds His way back into our hearts, soaking Him in, and just LOVING Him for who He is... He is BREATHTAKING.... and the amazing thing is...
he thinks WE are breathtaking. US... humans who have an up and down relationship with the Father... imperfect, full of flaws... breathtaking... His masterpiece... His beloved... His lover...
just... HIS child, HIS bride.

I get to thinking... why is it that GOD can just KEEP on loving us, and just KEEP on forgiving us whenever we do wrong. We don't deserve it at all. We sin OVER and OVER again. We break his heart, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Time and time again, we trample over his heart. We take advantage of His grace.. we take advantage of it all, and step on it, and use it for OUR selfish purposes. And yet He STILL looks at us wiht love... He STILL sees us as PURE. And ALL because of JESUS CHRIST.

I re-read Joshua Harris's dream, entitled "The Room". And it told a story of how Harris dreamt that he was in a room of his life.. it listed every single detail of his life. It ranged from the girls that he liked, to the lies that he told, to the things he MUTTERED under his breath to his parents. EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL.... recorded. And Harris was SO grieved by all his actions.. a waste of his life.. and yet when Jesus came, though he could have said a lot of things... though he could have condemned him, look at him with contempt... all he did was look on Harris with deep sorrow, and weep with Him.

And you know what Jesus did after? He covered Harris's name on each file, and replaced it with HIS own signature. Every single sin... became the sin of Jesus. And that's what He did on the cross. And it breaks my heart that I just toss it around like it's NOTHING. THese past few days, I haven't felt his presence. I've been scared to come in, and face God. I could feel my heart hardening, where I felt numb to all that He did for me. All I could think about was what I wanted. ME ME ME. Selfish me...

but I thank God that despite my actions... He STILL is in love with me. And I THANK HIM for giving me yet another chance... a chance to make something different with my life. And although I know I will fail, I also can walk around knowing that God will STILL take me back. He's waiting with his arms open wide... for YOU, a sinner. It doesn't matter how big of a sin you've committed. He will remember them no more if you repent (Hebrews 8:12).

You know what was stopping me from coming to God? I felt like there were areas in my life where God wanted me to do stuff, but I didn't wnat to do it. So I didn't... and it bothered me because I thought, "how can God forgive me, or love me, when I refuse to obey him?"

The answer? Because I am His creation. It's not about ME and MY actions. Cus when I got saved, it wasn't based on WORKS, but because of His grace, and HIs mercy. And He's ALREADY forgiven me because I've asked Jesus to be my saviour, long long ago. So as much as I beat myself over disobeying God, alhtough I still have an obligation to fulfill, God already forgave me, WITH or WITHOUT my actions. ... so just remember that the next time you sin, and you feel God can't forgive you.

: )
Okay, this was ONE long post. :P
Hope you were somewhat blessed by it :)
God bless you all!